I'm not talking about a Halloween costume here. I'm talking about the Supermom cape that I wear everyday. The one that I know better than to try to fit into, yet I reach for it all the time anyway. I'm always being told that I try to do too much, but I always feel like I never do enough.
This morning, I missed my oldest singing in chapel at school. This is a new school for him this year, and it was his first time to be in a group that was singing at morning chapel. I got a phone call about 8:00, and he was in tears. He wanted me to go to school and watch. I had no idea he was going to be doing something special today. It takes me at least 20 minutes to get to his school. His dad usually takes him to school, and there I was, sitting in the recliner, still in my pajamas, watching the Disney channel and hanging out with the two youngest kiddos, also still in their pajamas. There was no way I could make it to school in the next 5 minutes to watch him sing.
It tore me up. Why? Not so much because I missed it, although that was part of it. But it was important to him. My child. He was the one that was upset. And so it became important to me. School was out at noon today and by the time I picked him up, it was all forgotten about. The headmaster had someone take a picture on their camera to send to me, and apparently that had made everything better. I should have known the drama would be over by the time school was.
But that's far from being the only reason my cape is tattered and torn. It's slowly become that way over the years. I don't even know why I think I need to have a Supermom cape, but I've always carried it around with me, trying to be that perfect mom, and ending up far from it. It's never mattered if I was working full time, part time, or not at all. I'm harder on myself than anyone else is, but I never let up in my self-criticism. Nothing is ever good enough. I pick up fast food, I scold myself for not cooking at home. I cook at home, I complain that I didn't cook a side dish, or a healthy enough meal. Whatever it is, I find something wrong. I didn't make enough for the bake sale. I couldn't go on a field trip. I don't take the kids to the park often. I think you get the idea.
Let it go.
That's something I get told a lot. Or "you try to do too much." My response? I usually don't feel like I do enough. Why? Why do I have to be like this? Part of it - I'm a people pleaser. I always have been. I want everyone to be happy. And if they're not? It must be my fault. Somehow.
This is not a pity party. This is not me trying to get sympathy and have everyone tell me that I'm doing a great job and not to worry about it. This is not a chance to blast me either. ;) This is just me. Sharing. Venting. Putting myself out there and saying "Hey. I want to do it all. I try to do it all. I over-commit my time and energy. I can't keep doing this. I need to chill out. Relax. Find a happy medium." Happy medium. What does that even mean??
And it's not just "mom stuff" either. It's making time for my husband, for myself. It's not having enough time to catch up with friends, both online and in "real life." It's keeping up with the day-to-day stuff. Balancing the "have to do" with the "want to do" stuff. It's looking at my list of 10,000 things to do and not fainting.
This morning, after having my own little meltdown, I called my mom. I didn't tell her what was wrong, but she knew something was up. She came over and brought a latte with her. And most importantly, she brought her own Supermom cape.
5 years ago